


Tell of Truth, Lies and Love

by BlackStormsShadow (orphan_account)



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-29
Updated: 2012-03-29
Packaged: 2017-11-02 16:22:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/371004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/BlackStormsShadow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A small series of ficlets.<br/>Fenris has found he wants more from Anders ... but is the mage willing to give it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Truth Hurts

_(Fenris’ point of view, first person … *first try at first person, don’t kill me yet* … Part 1 of 3)_

Again, my heart was beating in my chest like the war drum of the Qunari. I couldn’t breathe and when I turned to face him, my body scrunched up into a little ball for him to play with.

Though, my heart hurt even more, if that’s possible. 

I looked out the wooden window pane, set into the stone features of the wall.

I watched the moon and the stars shine down on me. Their celestial presence was warming and graceful. The heavy breathing beside me indicated he was asleep once more.

He’s already told me that we do this ‘casually’. But is it wrong for me to want … more?

I found my self longing for the mage beside me again that night, and I knew I had to say something, even if he never heard me. Let alone listened. ‘He never listens’.

He also told me that he continues because he’s getting to feel someone else skin for a change, without complaint from his demo- … Spirit.

I want more from this. Is that wrong? Is it wrong for me to want a connection that isn’t just sex?

“Why is it that I want to feel you, or for you to feel me?”

“Why do I want to touch you, or have you touch me?”

“Why is it that when I do touch you … I don’t feel repulsion, like I used to, but I feel … regret?”

“I don’t know if it is regret for one, or many things.”

“Is it Regret for my own desire of you?”

“Regret for my feelings, or Regret from starting this foolish mess in the first place?”

“Regret of wanting more that physical love from this, but emotional and spiritual?”

“Regret for allowing you to lust after my body, but not my soul?”

“Regret for not realising that I love you?”

“Not just the corporal outsides, but the mag- … man within? Do I love the personality and the mind that your quick tongue so easily prattles off for? Is it the insolent mage that pulls at my heart every time I hear his beautifully husky voice?”

“Do I long for the mage who selflessly heals the helpless? But, do I want the mage that allowed his life to be corrupted by a spirit?”

“Or is it the lover that comes inside of me every night, screaming and crying profanity, but never my name, even though I wish he would?”

“Why do I love you mage?”

“Why do I want to hear you laugh and joke with me, instead of fight?”

“Why do I want you to deviously pull me into a dark alley and kiss me until my knees go weak? I want you to wrap your arms around me, hold me close, and tell me everything will be just fine, but why?”

“I want to lie in your arms for one night, and be told the ways you could love me, without the use of dominance or submission … please Anders.”

“I want to love you with return on your part … I suppose I want you to love me …”

“I know you will never wish for more than this, but is it wrong for me to do so?”

“Is it wrong to love you mage? Why has this become what it is?”

“Why can’t it be … more? Just … more?”

I had hesitated, I didn’t know if he had heard my confession, or slept through the whole thing.

I rolled onto my side and sat up, my legs dropping to the side of the bed, and my feet planting on the ground. I shook my head and rested my face in my hands, my elbows propped up on my knees.

I knew I could never have more than this … this was the last time I could stand to love him without return.

I stood and walked to the door.

“I’m sorry, but this is the last time … Anders”

I was about to leave, but I had to admit it to him before I could fully understand myself.

“You need to know one thing … I already love you.”

I left him there, alone, to wake up without me. My silent confession had woken my mind to many things and this … what ever it is … could not continue.

I hung my head and left, locking his clinic behind me.


	2. But Lies Are More Painful

_(Fenris’ point of view, first person … *first try at first person, don’t kill me yet* … Part 2 of 3)_

I was laying on my bed, in my musty old mansion, that isn’t actually mine, knowing I had just lost the one thing I longed for because I had to have a bloody heart and go and bring feelings into it!

I heard a familiar meow and Grey, the stray that seemed to love me so much, bounced across my bed and decided to make her little, black, furry self comfortable on my chest.

I smiled. It was about the only times I would smile … when she was with me. The other times would be when I used to catch Anders watching me … that look of lust so deep in his gaze. That look that I now, so easily, return.

I tried to pat her head, but she kept licking me palm. The wet, velvety, sandpaper of her tongue tickled my fingers. “What is it about my hand that you find so delicious?” I asked her.

We then heard a sigh, or a groan, from the doorway. It startled Grey so much that she scurried away under the bed.

I sat up and glanced over to the door … Feathers.

“You weren’t at the clinic when I woke up” He sighed again, closing the distance between us gradually.

“I can’t do this anymore, mage” I replied, turning away to look out the window. Dawn was breaking on the horizon and the moon had already left the natural beauty of our night sky, dimming the stars to hide behind the radiance of our sun. 

“Didn’t you like my trick last night … it was a bit much wasn’t it?” He smiled deviously.

“Please … just go” I managed to croak.

“You don’t want this anymore? If I remember correctly … you were the one who started this” He was close now, a few feet away from my bed.

“Mage” I tried to sound confident. I couldn’t bare this anymore! I pulled my knees to my chest and sighed.

“Elf” He said seductively, sauntering onto my bed, clawing his way up until he was kneeling in front of me. He ran his finger lightly over the sheet, just touching my shins.

“No” I said firmly and pushed him away. “I … I fear … I fear I” I couldn’t say it, not with him this close; my stuttering was unbecoming for a man. My throat was going dry quickly and I had no drop of liquid nearby, water or wine.

“You fear … me? I can be submissive if you want” He smirked, working his way up the bed again.

“No” I managed to growl, kicking him violently away, but not hard enough for him to land on the floor sadly.

“Don’t you want to be dominant?” He whispered suggestively. He was again, so close!

“No!” I growled again and kicked him hard enough that he landed on his rump, on the floor with a thud.

My chambers grew silent, I wish he would say something again … anything.

I had closed my eyes, but they shot open when he whispered hotly in my ear “You are very … attractive … when you are angry” … he almost purred.

I squeezed them tightly together and mustered my voice. “I love someone!” I croaked.

I could feel the breaths stop, I could hear the bed creak as he pulled off and I could feel his displeasure intensifying.

“It’s Hawke isn’t it?” he asked flatly.

I didn’t want to tell him the truth, so I didn’t disagree with it.

“You don’t deny it?” He asked again, his voice almost scarily smooth.

‘I can’t tell you … can I?’

He fumed. He kicked at my bed, sending it creaking and wailing.

He yelled a passionate “Argh!” she a table fell in his violent display.

He steadied himself for a moment resting on the end of my bed, head in hands.

“He really is taking everything I love from me” I could barely make out the inaudibly, muffled words.

He stormed out then, slamming the door behind himself, his anger clearly showed in the terror he left my house in.


	3. Only Love Can Set You Free

_(Fenris’ point of view, first person … *first try at first person, don’t kill me yet* … Part 3 of 3)_

Grey had crawled back into my arms and was purring loudly when I heard it.

It was a cry and a roar. From Orana and Bodahn, but not being there, I didn’t know who had exclaimed which.

“He’s going to get himself killed” I gently pushed Grey off my chest and clipped on my gear, sheathed my sword and ran to Hawke’s manor.

I pushed open the door and heard “See … your elf has come to rescue you!” from Anders.

“Oh come on! Show me a little of this Justice you carry around everywhere!” Hawke yelled, punching Anders in the jaw. He was straddling him, holding his robes, bunched up in a fist near his face. The only thoughts that went through my head were: “Anders!” and “Hawke! That’s my position, get your own!”

I lunged at Hawke, brought my arms up under his shoulders and hauled him off the stupid mage. Was he trying to kill himself?

I was then on the rogue, my fists colliding with his face in bruising, bloody blows. I think I may have damaged his jaw.

Then I heard Anders groan in pain as he tried to shift.

My face was contorted in anger and hatred, but fear washed over my expression when I heard that groan. Fear that the mage was injured, damaged … broken because of this! His irrational behaviour just because I said we couldn’t have sex anymore. 

I knew then that I truly loved him. My concern for him was the start of many feelings that I would regret because it made me long for him more so than before.

I crawled of Hawker and position myself beside the stupid mage.

“Anders … are you alright?”

I saw his beautiful face twist in confusion.

“But you … you said you … what?” He mumbled. By the way his scrunched up gaze worked, I’d swear he was trying to work out something his tiny brain couldn’t comprehend.

“Anders. Are … you … alright?” I said again, a little firmer, not wishing to have the conversation he was pursuing.

His face was then blessed with realisation as he cupped the back of my head a brought my lips to his. We kissed, and Maker it was blighted beautiful! Only he could know why in the void I hadn’t done this before.

His mouth opened slightly and mine did as well. I couldn’t stop this, not now. We deepened the kiss, tongues brushing gently against each other, and I couldn’t suppress a moan that escaped my throat as his fingers weaved into my hair.

When the moment broke, our foreheads were pressed against each other, our breaths ragged and my eyes closed … I don’t know what he was doing, but I was his … loving with all the broken pieces of my Tevinter slave’s heart.

I swallowed and opened my eyes. He was looking at me intently, gazing into my green, opalescent eyes with his big, beautiful amber ones. 

I knew I loved him now … there was officially no doubt!

I pulled away, and he protested. I managed a glance in Hawke’s direction and he was looking at me like I was an angel and he was a demon, fear and anxiety welled into his gaze.

I crawled around my mage and hoisted him up to standing, my arms around his waist.

“Sorry Hawke … for the misunderstanding” I grumbled and walked Anders back to my house, his limp, weak form leaning on my right.

**  
Warning!!! Seriously squishy, fleshy ending to story. With lots of confession and squishiness … read squishy human thing … If it must … But it was warned … yours truly, Shale.  
**

When I managed to get us up the flight of stairs to my chambers, I set him down on my bed, proceeding to make him comfortable.

I tried to set things back the way they were, Anders was not the only one who kicked things when he was angry, I had furniture built simply for the purpose of not breaking if I ran a ‘red face’.

“You said that you love someone …” He said after a while.

I looked up from sorting out the books from the shelves he knocked over and smiled warmly at him. “I did say that, yes”.

“You didn’t deny anything, but you didn’t tell me either” he said, his eyebrows knitting into a knot under his golden locks.

I set the books back on the shelf and placed myself beside him on the end of the bed.

“I could not tell you … I can not tell you, even now” I whispered.

“I’m so sorry for the way I behaved … I was a real jerk”

“Yes you were”

“But you still saved me from being killed by Hawke … why?”

“I love someone … I’ll probably never say who … but I would risk my life to protect him” I replied, resting a hand on his.

“We had to stop … was it because of your love for this person?”

“Yes”

“You love me” It was more of a statement than question. A realisation if you must.

I swallowed, I didn’t know what to do, my thoughts were a mess and I was on a high from just touching him, and sitting here like this.

“We had to stop because you love me, but you can’t have sex with me?”

“I love this person, I fear I always will, but I can not love someone and have this relationship with them … completely loveless sex … I can’t bare to love someone with no return and be used for it” I answered.

I felt an arm slink around my waist and pull me backwards onto the bed. I found myself lying in his arms. One wrapped behind me and another resting on my waist. My head found the perfect position on his shoulder the feathers caressing my cheek.

“I never thought you would feel the same way about me as I do about you … But I have hoped for you to say those words for many moons. I’ve loved you longer than I’d ever like to admit Fenris” He whispered to me, planting a kiss on my forehead.

We drifted to sleep like this, in each other’s embrace.

No nightmares came and I was with the one person who meant the world to me.

I really love him. I really do.


End file.
